Month: May 2019

Just your ordinary holiday at ‘urgent care’

IMG_20190528_091822933[1]How did you spend your Memorial Day? I spent mine hanging out at the walk-in clinic/aka urgent care in Newport. Good thing it didn’t turn out to be terribly urgent because it took a long time to “be seen.” Think about that for a minute. You go to “be seen,” to have someone look at you. Heavy concept.

I was going to write a patriotic ditty this week in honor of the holiday, but everybody’s doing that, so let’s talk about urgent care.

It started with itchy rashes. Then Saturday I woke up with swollen lips, which made singing at church a challenge. By Monday, they felt like I’d just had Novocain at the dentist’s office. I had a hard time with breakfast; drooling was involved. I took my troubles to Google, which suggested allergies, a stroke, or cancer. Shut up, Google.

Adding to the misery, my back went out while I was bending to wipe the ooze off my dog Annie’s incision. The ensuing moaning and cursing sure got her attention. Soon we were both on the floor.

What happened there is no mystery. I have a bad back. I sit too much. I’ve been lifting the 74-pound dog in and out of the car, and I mowed the giant lawn on Sunday. I had put off visiting the chiropractor for too long. Now I needed an appointment stat. But it was a holiday. They were closed. I couldn’t stand up straight. Oh well.

I decided to see if I could get an appointment to check out my lips, rashes, etc. Now I had a headache and felt slightly nauseous. I might be dying. The doctor’s office was closed, too, but I was referred to an advice line.

A woman I swear sounded just like the mom on the “Young Sheldon” TV show, with her great Texas accent, took all my information and said a nurse would call, don’t be put off by the strange area code on your caller ID. Another southerner, the nurse said she was at a call center in Tennessee. She listened to my woes and said I needed to “be seen” right away. I should not drive myself. Get a friend, take a taxi, do not drive. Well, now I was worried. What if I was about to have some life-altering health event?

My usual emergency person was singing at a Memorial Day event, so I called my neighbor, who drove me into Newport and dropped me off when I insisted she didn’t have to wait.

As soon as she was gone, I learned that everyone at the clinic was about to leave for lunch, so I could expect a 90-minute wait. Swell. You’re free to go somewhere else, the woman at the desk said. Sure. But I might be dying, and I had no car, and where would I go? The porn place or the puke-yellow Lucky Elephant Thai restaurant were the only nearby options. I wasn’t in the mood for either.

Then I discovered I had forgotten my phone. OMG. Panic. I had a notebook to write in, a book I had almost finished reading, and old People magazines for amusement, but how would I call for my ride home? And what if somebody needed me? Well, for once, I could only take care of myself.

I took notes on the clinic. It’s located in a portable building across the street from the new Samaritan Pacific Communities Hospital still partially under construction. If you ever took classes in a portable, you can imagine the ambience: white linoleum, acoustic tile ceiling, a few unframed pictures slapped on the white walls, signs listing office hours, signs saying they DO NOT give narcotics for chronic problems, and signs in English and Spanish saying “cover your mouth” if you have a cough. But a radio played soft music, and the black faux-leather chairs were unusually comfortable for a doctor’s office.

My neighbor dashed in with my phone. Bless her heart.

First thing I saw was a text saying a singing friend, Ellen Cowden, had died. Shoot. Darn, Nuts. Seems like everybody’s sick or dying lately. At least she went quickly.

For the first hour, I waited with just one family. Then more people started arriving. It was worse than a busy restaurant, with no cocktails for solace. They all got told the wait would be at least an hour. Several left. A little girl with big pink shoes stomped around and cried. We’d all do that if we weren’t grownups.

I went out for a walk. It was cloudy, misty, breezy, typical coastal weather. The old front part of the hospital was gone, new framework going up behind the chain link fence. It’s going to be huge when it’s done. The new section that’s already open is bright and attractive.

I couldn’t help remembering my times at the Kaiser Santa Clara ER with my dad. So crowded, day and night. No place to park, everyone in a hurry. We waited for hours, hungry, thirsty, and uncomfortable.

I waited a long time in Newport, too, but at least they were sorry, and I could smell the ocean through the open windows. Finally I was called into a little examining room where I met Dr. Andrea Lind, who is both beautiful and caring. My vitals were all perfect (thank God), and I had even lost a couple pounds. She didn’t know what caused my problems, probably stress. I was definitely not in any danger. She ordered a blood test to check my wonky Graves Disease-addled thyroid (it came out normal) and prescribed some cream to slather on my rashes and my lips. As for my back, I’ll limp over to the chiropractor later today.

My neighbor picked me up from the front of the new hospital, where I took a couple pictures and breathed in some fresh air, confident that I was not dying and would weather this challenge, too.

Annie, who had a possibly cancerous tumor removed from her leg on Friday, was thrilled to see me. Heavy face-licking ensued. We took a short walk, just because we could, and returned to our usual places on the love seat. Later I would eat a ham and cheese omelet for dinner, call my father–who sounded a little better and counseled me that I needed to learn to “let things go”–and watch “The Bachelorette,” where Hannah finally got rid of that fool Cam. A blessed regular Monday night.

So that’s how we spent our Memorial Day. For my father, a WWII vet, it was just another day at the nursing home, from which he hopes to escape one of these days. An airplane mechanic in the Army Air Corps in the Pacific, he loves to talk about his war days. God bless him and all the veterans.

And don’t get sick or hurt on a holiday. Annie says hey, get this cone thing off my head.

 

Why Do I Care Who Won ‘American Idol’?

I don’t like TV reality shows. I’d much prefer a well-scripted drama, but there aren’t many of those on network TV anymore. So I watch reality shows, and I get hooked, hooked to the point that I will put the finale on my calendar and turn off my phones to avoid interruptions. My favorite used to be “Survivor” until the show became more about alliances and voting strategies than survival. Hey, is that castaway wearing makeup?

I have watched far too much of “Dancing with the Stars,” even though I can’t stand the judges. When a celebrity who was a lousy dancer won last time, I lost heart. When Derrick and Mark and Max quit, well, what was the point?

What? You don’t know who these people are? Where have you been?

I watch “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” even “Bachelor in Paradise.” The whole point of this franchise, besides making oodles of money, is getting young good-looking people to couple up. They’re immature, their words are scripted, and they make out constantly. If they survive to the finale, the couples get to shack up in the “fantasy suite,” where we assume they have sex. Maybe they just talk or play board games until the producers bring in breakfast and tell them to snuggle in bed for the cameras.

People get engaged at the end of the Bachelor/Bachelorette season, but the relationship hardly ever lasts because it’s a ridiculous way to meet a life partner. It’s sleazy, and most of the competitors are idiots, but I keep watching. Tonight I’ll be on my couch watching “Hannah B.” go on her first dates with the guys who survived last week’s initial rose ceremony. The previews promise “drama” in the house—a bunch of guys squabbling. Why do I watch this garbage?

Which brings us to “American Idol.” At least on talent shows, the contestants have to do something besides look pretty. And that grabs my interest. I sing, too. I’m way too old to compete, I don’t like most of today’s pop music, and the whole thing is just not my style, but I watch these singing kids, ages 16 to 27, and I listen to the celebrity judges gush over performances that are mostly so-so. Sometimes I scream at the TV: What? You liked that? It was terrible. They don’t hear me. All I can do is download the memory-sucking “American Idol” app on my phone and vote. Up to 10 votes per contestant. The person I vote for usually loses.

Last night was the “American Idol” finale. At three hours, it was about an hour too long, the final hour filled with “stars” I never heard of. Madison sang her brains out on Lady Gaga’s “Shallow” and then got eliminated, leaving Alejandro, the Latino musical genius, and Laine, the cute guitar-playing white guy. As usual, the guitar-playing white guy won. He sang his new single surrounded by the other contestants as confetti fell all over everyone. Will we ever hear of him again? Maybe. Some of the losers will probably be bigger stars. It would have been nice to have a songwriting Latino win. Oh well.

I didn’t take the phones off the hook this time. Too much family drama going on. But I ate dinner in front of the TV, and when I had to take a break to call my dad in the nursing home, I set up the TV to record so I wouldn’t miss a minute. When Dad said he had company and asked if I could call back later, I thought sweet, back to my show.

I know. I’m terrible. My father is more important than a TV show, but sometimes I need a break from worrying about him. If only he would watch, too, so we could talk about that instead of tubes, tests, and physical therapy.

It’s not just me. Millions of people vote for the contestants on “American Idol” and other reality shows. The results of these shows are all over the news. I have to be careful not to look at my phone after 5:00 because the shows have already aired on the East Coast, and Google is already sharing the results before we on the West Coast have a chance to watch.

Such big news. “Laine Hardy Wins American Idol” comes in above Trump threatening Iran with military action, Alabama outlawing abortion, and the fishing boat tragedy making headlines on the Oregon coast. It seems wrong. But maybe we need this kind of silliness to distract us from the grimmer events of life. Or maybe it’s just that I grew up sitting in front of the TV every night, and I don’t know what else to do to relax at the end of the day.

My dog Annie doesn’t buy it. Throughout the “American Idol” finale, she kept trying to get my attention by grabbing things that should not be in her mouth. First it was a paperclip. Then it was a big leaf off one of my plants. Then it was my embroidery, needle and all. She would come up in my face, eyes sparkling, lips smiling as big as they could with a full mouth, and invite me to give chase. Which I did, trading a treat for the forbidden item. She’s no fool. “American Idol?” Annie does not care.

So that’s my confession. I watch reality shows. How about you? Are you hooked, too? Which ones? “The Voice?” “Big Brother?” “Real Housewives?” How much of it do you think is real? If you watched “America Idol” this season, who were you rooting for? Can you even name last year’s winner?

 

 

Don’t Interrupt; I’m Talking to Myself

I talk to myself. All the time. Sometimes I direct my words to Annie the dog, but if I’m being honest, I have to admit she’s not paying attention. She tunes in for certain key words—eat, cookie, walk, snuggle, beach. The rest is just bla bla bla, a continuous hum like the refrigerator. If she needs to pay attention, she’ll hear one of those special words or detect the jingle of her leash. Besides, she’s busy listening for cats, squirrels, bears and other invaders.

So, I talk to myself. People always say it’s okay as long as you don’t answer yourself. Well, I do answer myself. Right? Right.

I live alone. Maybe that’s part of it. In public, I usually keep my mouth shut. But sometimes, I forget, which causes people to stare at me.

What do I talk about? Everything. Why did my French toast turn out so badly Saturday night? Should have used better bread. What am I going to wear to church this morning? I don’t know. Black pants? Probably.

It’s a constant running commentary. Am I really addressing it to myself though? I wonder about this, just like when I write in my journal and wonder who I’m writing it for? Am I writing to myself? To God? To an invisible confidante?

I do talk to God sometimes. I pray, I chat. But it’s different. I stop and call His name and say what I’ve got to say, then return to regular programming.

I also talk a lot to people who aren’t actually here. Uh-oh, you’re thinking, she’s completely lost it. No, no. I think I’m okay, but I tell people things I wish I could tell them in person if they were here, if they would listen, or if I had the courage.

I’m a writer. I write down my thoughts all the time. I usually speak them as I write, which is a good reason not to write at Starbucks or the library. I’m just constantly verbalizing. Is this nuts? Or is this a good way to work things out in my head?

I found some discussion of the matter online.

  • In this NBC news report, the experts insist talking to oneself is not only normal but good for us—if we do it correctly. Who knew there was a right and a wrong way to talk to oneself?
  • “Talking to Yourself: A Sign of Sanity” by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., says much the same. Talk to yourself, but watch what you say.
  • And this Lifehack piece insists that those of us who blab to ourselves are smarter and better off for doing it. Ha.
  • But this article on WikiHow gives instructions on how to stop talking to yourself. Now, that’s crazy.

Let’s get back to Annie for a minute. Do you think she talks to herself? Sometimes in the backyard, she barks and barks. I assume she’s either warning off marauding squirrels or trying to connect with the other dogs in the neighborhood, but what if she’s just talking to herself? Or barking because she likes the sound of her own voice? Annie, who are you talking to?

Right now, I’m talking to you, dear reader. Do you talk to yourself? Is it really yourself you’re addressing or someone else? Who? Or should it be whom? Either way, do you think this is a problem? Please comment.

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Dad update: Thank you all for your continuing concern about my father. He has made it through a whole week at the skilled nursing facility without a trip to the hospital. Fingers crossed. I’m back in Oregon and he’s still in the Bay Area, so our only contact is by phone—which kills me—but he sounds better than he has in ages. He still can’t get out of bed on his own, but he’s feeling better, which is something. He could use more visitors. Email or send me a private message on Facebook for details on where he is.

If You’re Going to Curse, Be Creative

Let’s talk about dirty words. I like them, you like them. We all know what they are. I’m going to try not to use them here. Much. I’m not talking about the “clean” dirty words like mud or dust or excrement, which the dictionary defines as “something that soils someone or something.” I’m talking about the real dirty words that start with A, B, F, P and S and the variations on religious words that shouldn’t be said the way some people say them. I’ve said them. I’ve said them all, but I’m trying to quit.

I’ve been a smut-mouth for years. Yes, I’ve mentioned it in Confession and gone out and cussed in the parking lot. But I’ve started paying attention to how it sounds. It’s ugly. Besides, I work at a church. So I’m trying to change my ways.

It’s difficult because the language is everywhere. In movies and on Internet TV shows like “The Ranch” or “Orange is the New Black,” it’s F this and A that and all the other words. The shows are good, but the words get in your head and come out your mouth. You start punctuating every sentence with the F word. Saying BS loud and proud or A-hole. OMG, did we say that out loud? The words slip out, and people stare, even when you say somewhat innocuous words like damn or hell or shit.

Some people think they get away with it by using cheater words, like darn, heck, jeez, sheesh, and dad gummit. Come on, we know what you really mean.

When I was growing up, my mother did not curse, but my dad’s dinner-table language was colorful. As he described his days on construction sites, he used the words. He also talked about dagos, wops, okies, etc. It was a different era.

My best friend’s mom didn’t curse either, but we’d hear her say, “Oh, suuuuuugar!” I grew up in an era when men cursed and nice ladies (except for my Aunt Gen) did not. At least not in public. As a young newspaper reporter, I covered meetings where the men would tell each other to watch their language because there was a lady present. But now everybody seems to use smutty language.

These days, I do my share of cussing, but I’m trying to be creative. I have a master’s degree in creative writing. Surely I can come up with something more original. One of my father’s favorites was “Son of a bitch!” It’s not that bad. A bitch is a mama dog. Nothing bad about a mama dog. It was more the tone, like violence was about to occur (not on people, thank God). “Son of a bitch” is a satisfying mouthful of words. But now I say things like “son of a burger,” “son of a bagel,” “son of a big foot (ew),” “son of a basketball”—sometimes I crack myself up and forget to be mad.

I found this great website that offers 101 substitutes for popular profanities. I’m gonna print these out and try some of them. I don’t think I can say “gee whiz” with a straight face, but “Oh, Foccacia?” That might work.

I grew up where blue language happened all the time. Around my father, I still feel free to say bullshit, hell, damn, asshole, etc. Not the F word or variations thereof; that seems to cross the line. But I’m used to at least the milder cusses.

I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I married a man with children, and he said, “Whoa, not in front of my kids.” What????

What is a dirty word anyway? What makes them dirty? We seem to like bathroom words related to urine, feces, or body parts in the lower regions. We use words about sex, not soft words like making love but hard words like F— or P—y. What makes these bad? Is it really the word or the intention behind it? What do you think?

I think we need to distinguish between vulgarities—the potty and sex words–and the religious words. The Second Commandment tells us not to take God’s name in vain, but our society is so full of it. People say, “God!” all the time. “Oh my God!” “Oh. My. God.” “OMG.” They’re not actually talking to the creator; it’s just words.

Seems like if we’re going to call the All-powerful’s name, we’d better be looking for Him to answer. In times when something major happens, I have said, “Oh my God,” but at that moment, I am looking to connect with Him. I need his help.

When people say, “Jesus Christ!” as an exclamation, it bothers me, especially when they’re not even Christians. Then there’s “Damn it” and its variations. What gives us the right to send people to hell? Only God can do that.

Maybe you don’t believe in God. Fine. Then why are you using His name?

At the Association of Writers and Writing Programs conference in March, I attended a panel titled “How to Curse on the Page and Get Away with It.” Like most writers, I am wary of getting too blue in my writing for fear of offending people. Sometimes I put the word in, then get nervous and take it out. And yet I want to be authentic. Real people do curse.

The panelists focused on the book On Cussing: Bad Words and Creative Cursing by the late Katherine Dunn (who also wrote Geek Love). While On Cussing includes a history of cursing, it also looks at how writers create characters. What those characters (and people in real life) say tells us a lot about them, about their backgrounds, their attitudes, and their personalities. Language can be used to heighten the tension in a story, saving the profanity until it just has to come out. If the character who never says a dirty word suddenly blurts, “Shit!” you know he’s really upset.

Just like when my very religious mom would shout, “Damn it to hell!” We knew to get out of the way because she was really pissed. Is pissed a dirty word? Oh suuuugar. I’m trying.

Check out this “Cursing Without Cursing” youtube video.

And here is a story about times when cursing is good for you. 

Where do you stand on language? Do you enjoy a good vulgarity or get offended when people use language that used to get our mouths washed out with soap? I welcome your comments.

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Thank you all for your kind words and prayers for me and my father. (See last week’s post). As of this moment, Dad is back at the skilled nursing facility in Los Gatos, California, doing quite well. He’s 97, so nothing is guaranteed, but we do have a moment to breathe and enjoy each other.