Have you heard the term “elder orphans”? I am one. No husband, no children, no family nearby, living alone. Some elder orphans literally have no family, while others live far away or are estranged. Either way, they’re alone.
We are many. Don’t go feeling sorry for me. I do that well enough on my own. I do have wonderful people back in California and terrific friends right here on the Oregon coast. Not everyone is so lucky.
While the media makes it look like everybody celebrates the holidays with happy families or groups of friends, there are countless people who dread this time of year because they are alone. They may not have any invitations for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner or anyone to invite to their own homes. They may not be able to travel. They may be unwell. And guess what, they might not get any Christmas presents. It’s not a matter of finances; it’s a matter of not having people they can claim as their own.
Being alone is not always horrible. My neighbor said she had a delightful Thanksgiving. She read, puttered in the garden, smoked some pot, and ate a delicious all-natural vegetarian meal. She was content with the company of her cats.
I was supposed to go to California to be with family, but due to some health crises down there, I wound up staying home. When a friend from church issued an invitation for any strays to come to her house, I jumped on it, and we had a good time. Thank you, #Phyllis O’Boyle. As it turned out, three different sets of friends invited me to Thanksgiving dinner, and I already have plans for Christmas. I am grateful. I do not do well alone on the holidays. I start feeling abandoned and spend a lot of time crying.
If I chose to be alone, that would be a different story. One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories is the time I stayed home sick with a cold. I ate burritos and watched movies by myself while my husband and stepson spent the day with the in-laws. It’s a question of attitude. I could see myself as sad and lonely, or I could see myself as free to do whatever I want.
I have talked to a surprising number of people who have no one to be with on the holidays. Some of them are outgoing people I would never expect to be alone. But they are.
We don’t always speak up. It’s as if we’re embarrassed to have ended up without people. As in the game of musical chairs, we wound up without a chair when the music stopped.
When you have a family, you automatically know you’ll be spending the holidays with them if at all possible. It may not be as happy as the TV commercials imply, but you know who will be there. You know who will give you presents and who you will give them to. You know who likes turkey breasts and who likes the rear end. You carry out the same traditions year after year. I treasure the memories of my childhood Christmases, which were always at my parents’ house, with both sets of grandparents attending, along with aunts, uncles and cousins. Most of those people are gone now.
If someone in your life does not seem to have family nearby, ask if they have plans. Maybe bring them an inexpensive gift. Two years in a row, I received gifts from a secret Santa, which I think was the Newport senior center. I was so touched because I had nothing else under my tree. Think about that. If you have people, reach out to those who might not. If you are the one who is alone, start talking to people. Make a plan.
Did you know that 27 percent of American homes are occupied by only one person—and a large percentage of those people are seniors? People assume everyone has someone, and if they don’t, they put the burden on the lonely one to reach out. Don’t do that. You be the one. Say hello. Check on them. Be a friend.
Do you find yourself alone on the holidays? How do you handle it?
Do you know someone who might be alone? How might you help them?
I look forward to your comments.
P.S. If you are alone, consider joining the Elder Orphans group on Facebook. It really helps.
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