Tag: elder orphans

Sometimes You Need to Make Your Own Birthday Party

A few days before my birthday (Saturday, March 9), I posted on Facebook that I was worried about spending the day alone. As comments started flying in, I regretted the post. A) I sounded pitiful and B) most of the comments were along the lines of “throw yourself a party.” What I really wanted was someone to be moved to do what my family used to do when I was a child: treat me like a princess all day long, shower me with presents, and not require any effort on my part. 

Suggestions included: throw yourself a party, host a jam session, go for a long walk, invite friends over for pizza, take a train ride, go to a gallery, and do whatever makes you happy.

Ultimately, my post worked. A nearby writer friend who had just had her own less than perfect birthday suggested we go out to lunch. We did, and we had a great time. In the afternoon, I had an online poetry reading, and lots of friends showed up. Several people telephoned. My neighbors brought cheesecake, a CD, a card and big hugs. Facebook “happy birthdays” are still rolling in. I also had a dinner invitation, but declined because my dance card was suddenly full. In the gaps, I played piano, and I did not feel alone at all–because I let it be known that it was my birthday and that I did not want to be alone. 

I’m embarrassed that I did that, but I have spent too many March 9ths on my own, some in hotel rooms eating takeout, some at home whining because nobody loved me. 

The truth is it’s different when you’re an adult. My father and my brother would both say “it’s just another day,” but I can’t accept that. Can you? Maybe I’m just spoiled. 

I always do things to treat myself. In fact, I took myself on a mini-vacation to Salem and Corvallis, OR, the two days before my birthday. I attended a poetry reading, did some writing, bought a new outfit, and bought myself a new printer. The weather was beautiful, and it felt good. But it’s not the same as being surrounded by people all singing “Happy Birthday” while you blow out the candles on a cake.

When you have no family or “best friend” nearby and you don’t have that mythical posse of friends who seem to show up in every novel, movie, and TV show, birthdays become problematic. If you don’t make a lot of noise, it is quite possible you will spend the day alone. 

Back in San Jose, we had a Filipino friend who used to throw his own birthday party every year. Those parties were huge. He cooked for days, hired a band, and invited everyone he knew. They started at dusk and went on to the wee hours of the morning. He did have siblings and nieces and nephews to help, but wow, it was a lot of work. I don’t think I could do that. Okay, I could, but I don’t want to.

However, I do want to celebrate that I have made it to 72 relatively healthy and still full of dreams and plans. A lot of people don’t make it to this age. I thank God I have.  

How birthdays are celebrated depends a lot on age, family situation, and cultural background. Some cultures go all out, while others barely note the day. Most Americans gather for a meal or at least for cake. They light candles and sing “Happy Birthday.” They offer gifts. That’s what most of us expect. But  “elder orphans” like me need to make some noise if we want it to happen.

Lessons for people who live alone like me:

  • Make sure people know about your birthday.
  • If you don’t have plans and want to do something, say so.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for cake or whatever you want.
  • Take charge and invite the people you would like to have with you.
  • If you’re okay being on your own, make it a day of hiking, meditation, reading, writing, or whatever makes you happy.
  • If you’re going to be alone, plan for your favorite foods, buy yourself some flowers, and watch a movie you’ve been wanting to see. 
  • When other orphans’ birthdays come around, help them celebrate. Don’t assume they already have a plan.

Your turn. What do you do on your birthdays? What would be the perfect birthday? What do you suggest for people who are on their own and might be forgotten? 

I am so grateful for everyone who stepped up for my birthday. It was the best one I have had in years. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For some fascinating facts about birthdays, click here.

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Reach Out to an Elder Orphan This Holiday Season

Have you heard the term “elder orphans”? I am one. No husband, no children, no family nearby, living alone. Some elder orphans literally have no family, while others live far away or are estranged. Either way, they’re alone.

We are many. Don’t go feeling sorry for me. I do that well enough on my own. I do have wonderful people back in California and terrific friends right here on the Oregon coast. Not everyone is so lucky.

While the media makes it look like everybody celebrates the holidays with happy families or groups of friends, there are countless people who dread this time of year because they are alone. They may not have any invitations for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner or anyone to invite to their own homes. They may not be able to travel. They may be unwell. And guess what, they might not get any Christmas presents. It’s not a matter of finances; it’s a matter of not having people they can claim as their own.

Being alone is not always horrible. My neighbor said she had a delightful Thanksgiving. She read, puttered in the garden, smoked some pot, and ate a delicious all-natural vegetarian meal. She was content with the company of her cats.

I was supposed to go to California to be with family, but due to some health crises down there, I wound up staying home. When a friend from church issued an invitation for any strays to come to her house, I jumped on it, and we had a good time. Thank you, #Phyllis O’Boyle. As it turned out, three different sets of friends invited me to Thanksgiving dinner, and I already have plans for Christmas. I am grateful. I do not do well alone on the holidays. I start feeling abandoned and spend a lot of time crying.

If I chose to be alone, that would be a different story. One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories is the time I stayed home sick with a cold. I ate burritos and watched movies by myself while my husband and stepson spent the day with the in-laws. It’s a question of attitude. I could see myself as sad and lonely, or I could see myself as free to do whatever I want.

I have talked to a surprising number of people who have no one to be with on the holidays. Some of them are outgoing people I would never expect to be alone. But they are.

We don’t always speak up. It’s as if we’re embarrassed to have ended up without people. As in the game of musical chairs, we wound up without a chair when the music stopped.

When you have a family, you automatically know you’ll be spending the holidays with them if at all possible. It may not be as happy as the TV commercials imply, but you know who will be there. You know who will give you presents and who you will give them to. You know who likes turkey breasts and who likes the rear end. You carry out the same traditions year after year. I treasure the memories of my childhood Christmases, which were always at my parents’ house, with both sets of grandparents attending, along with aunts, uncles and cousins. Most of those people are gone now.

If someone in your life does not seem to have family nearby, ask if they have plans. Maybe bring them an inexpensive gift. Two years in a row, I received gifts from a secret Santa, which I think was the Newport senior center. I was so touched because I had nothing else under my tree. Think about that. If you have people, reach out to those who might not. If you are the one who is alone, start talking to people. Make a plan.

Did you know that 27 percent of American homes are occupied by only one person—and a large percentage of those people are seniors? People assume everyone has someone, and if they don’t, they put the burden on the lonely one to reach out. Don’t do that. You be the one. Say hello. Check on them. Be a friend.

Do you find yourself alone on the holidays? How do you handle it?

Do you know someone who might be alone? How might you help them?

I look forward to your comments.

P.S. If you are alone, consider joining the Elder Orphans group on Facebook. It really helps.

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