Tag: childless

Sometimes You Need to Make Your Own Birthday Party

A few days before my birthday (Saturday, March 9), I posted on Facebook that I was worried about spending the day alone. As comments started flying in, I regretted the post. A) I sounded pitiful and B) most of the comments were along the lines of “throw yourself a party.” What I really wanted was someone to be moved to do what my family used to do when I was a child: treat me like a princess all day long, shower me with presents, and not require any effort on my part. 

Suggestions included: throw yourself a party, host a jam session, go for a long walk, invite friends over for pizza, take a train ride, go to a gallery, and do whatever makes you happy.

Ultimately, my post worked. A nearby writer friend who had just had her own less than perfect birthday suggested we go out to lunch. We did, and we had a great time. In the afternoon, I had an online poetry reading, and lots of friends showed up. Several people telephoned. My neighbors brought cheesecake, a CD, a card and big hugs. Facebook “happy birthdays” are still rolling in. I also had a dinner invitation, but declined because my dance card was suddenly full. In the gaps, I played piano, and I did not feel alone at all–because I let it be known that it was my birthday and that I did not want to be alone. 

I’m embarrassed that I did that, but I have spent too many March 9ths on my own, some in hotel rooms eating takeout, some at home whining because nobody loved me. 

The truth is it’s different when you’re an adult. My father and my brother would both say “it’s just another day,” but I can’t accept that. Can you? Maybe I’m just spoiled. 

I always do things to treat myself. In fact, I took myself on a mini-vacation to Salem and Corvallis, OR, the two days before my birthday. I attended a poetry reading, did some writing, bought a new outfit, and bought myself a new printer. The weather was beautiful, and it felt good. But it’s not the same as being surrounded by people all singing “Happy Birthday” while you blow out the candles on a cake.

When you have no family or “best friend” nearby and you don’t have that mythical posse of friends who seem to show up in every novel, movie, and TV show, birthdays become problematic. If you don’t make a lot of noise, it is quite possible you will spend the day alone. 

Back in San Jose, we had a Filipino friend who used to throw his own birthday party every year. Those parties were huge. He cooked for days, hired a band, and invited everyone he knew. They started at dusk and went on to the wee hours of the morning. He did have siblings and nieces and nephews to help, but wow, it was a lot of work. I don’t think I could do that. Okay, I could, but I don’t want to.

However, I do want to celebrate that I have made it to 72 relatively healthy and still full of dreams and plans. A lot of people don’t make it to this age. I thank God I have.  

How birthdays are celebrated depends a lot on age, family situation, and cultural background. Some cultures go all out, while others barely note the day. Most Americans gather for a meal or at least for cake. They light candles and sing “Happy Birthday.” They offer gifts. That’s what most of us expect. But  “elder orphans” like me need to make some noise if we want it to happen.

Lessons for people who live alone like me:

  • Make sure people know about your birthday.
  • If you don’t have plans and want to do something, say so.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for cake or whatever you want.
  • Take charge and invite the people you would like to have with you.
  • If you’re okay being on your own, make it a day of hiking, meditation, reading, writing, or whatever makes you happy.
  • If you’re going to be alone, plan for your favorite foods, buy yourself some flowers, and watch a movie you’ve been wanting to see. 
  • When other orphans’ birthdays come around, help them celebrate. Don’t assume they already have a plan.

Your turn. What do you do on your birthdays? What would be the perfect birthday? What do you suggest for people who are on their own and might be forgotten? 

I am so grateful for everyone who stepped up for my birthday. It was the best one I have had in years. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For some fascinating facts about birthdays, click here.

Photo by lil artsy on Pexels.com

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Do You Have a Bury-the-Body Friend?

17578403 - woman carrying spadeI’ve gotta get me some friends, and not just Facebook friends, although I appreciate every one of you. I need some “bury the body”* friends, preferably young ones with strong backs.

County commissioner and sister writer Claire Hall shared that saying with me at a party on Saturday. A “bury the body” friend is one whom you can call at 3 a.m. to help you dispose of a corpse and they say, “I’ll be right there.” They don’t ask why you have a body to bury. They don’t say, “Are you crazy? It’s the middle of the night.” They just show up. With a shovel. That kind of friend.

I don’t expect to bury any bodies (okay, I did bury a dead rabbit a while back), but I do see the need for a bury-the-body friend. As a widowed, childless woman getting older by the second, I have been reading this book, Essential Retirement Planning for Solo Agers by Sara Zeff Geber. It’s extremely well done, and it scares the bejeebers out of me.

Geber’s main message is that we need to get our act together while we can. Even if we have spouses and kids, we need to make arrangements for our older years and our death. Our spouses may die. Our children may or may not jump in to help. And if we have neither, we’d better figure out who is going to handle such things as paying our bills, making medical decisions, making sure the dog gets fed, helping us to transition (God forbid) to a nursing home, or deciding what to do with our bodies when we die. Cheery stuff like that.

If we don’t have all our paperwork in order and haven’t chosen people to take care of things, either things will not be taken care of, or the job will be given to folks who don’t know us well enough to know what we would want.

So we need friends. Let me stress that I do have friends, wonderful friends, but most of them are older than I am. No, no, no, says Geber, you need to cultivate younger friends. Cozy up to them until you trust each other enough to put their names on your advanced directive. I’m not good at cozying. I hate networking. I’m uncomfortable at parties unless I’m playing with the band. Take a class, volunteer, join a club, says Geber, but I’m already plenty busy, and where I live, most of the people doing these things are seniors like me. Should I move?

How do all the people on TV sitcoms hook up with friends who are always together, always in one another’s homes, always there in a crisis? Does that really happen?

I’m working on ways to connect with friends under 65. I’m open to invitations and thinking of making some of my own, even though I’m an introvert who is much more comfortable at the computer.

How about you? Do you have a bury-the-body friend? If you don’t, do you worry about it? If you do have such a friend, how did you connect and how do you keep the friendship going?

Here’s another question: With young people so tied to their electronic devices, will they find themselves without lifelong bury-the-body friends in old age?

Please comment.

* I’m still trying to locate the original source of the “bury-the-body” saying, which has developed many variations, including that a real friend will show you the good spots for burying and that a real friend will assume that if you killed somebody they deserved killing.

** If you remember last week’s post, Annie the dog had knee surgery on Aug. 16. We were almost done with the worst of her recovery when her inflatable collar deflated early Saturday morning. I woke up to a limp collar and the dog licking her incision. She kept licking it, reopening the wound and making for a tense weekend. I bought a new collar that proved too big. She got it off and went back to licking. This morning, which was supposed to be the day for removing Annie’s sutures, the vet sentenced us to an extra week of the collar, the pills, and the inability for me to leave the dog for any longer than necessary. Back to the Mini Pet Mart. I bought a new collar that even escape artist Houdini could not get out of. We’re both going stir-crazy. Grr.

Photo Copyright: auremar / 123RF Stock Photo

Blessings Overflow During ‘NotMom’ Trip

IMG_20171006_113139494[1]I was sitting at the corner table at the Portland airport Radisson’s Lakeside Restaurant yesterday, devouring my pancakes, eggs and bacon when I saw someone who looked familiar a few tables down. As the woman and her companion got up to graze at the buffet, I realized I knew them from church. I had traveled across the country and was still 150 miles from home, and there were Ron and Sandi from Newport. After we all had a chance to eat our last pig-out meals before heading home to real life and diets, I joined them for a wonderful visit.

Ron and Sandi had been to Colorado and New Mexico. They were very interested when I told them I was returning from the NotMom Summit in Cleveland, Ohio. Sandi’s situation is similar to mine. She’s a stepmother, but never had her own children. I shared some of what I had learned.

It was a long and expensive trip, but worth it. I returned feeling stronger, prettier, and far less alone, with my notebook full of writing ideas. The high is fading a bit now in the rush of mail to read, bills to pay, clothing to wash, and work to get done. Rejections and deadlines loom, and I’m in charge of choir practice tonight. When I called Dad, he was full of the usual complaints—but he’s okay, and he was glad I had a good time.

This morning, the dog greeted me with kisses as I finally stirred in my warm, soft bed. Out the window, I saw evergreen trees and gray sky. No more big-city views of downtown Cleveland and Lake Erie out my window at the Hilton. What a beautiful city it is, full of   old buildings and fascinating public art.

There was a scary moment when I went walking Friday night. I was crossing a street at a crosswalk with a blinking warning light for oncoming cars. I walked right into the side of a car that had failed to stop. It took the breath out of me, but I was not injured. The driver apologized, and I staggered back to the hotel to sit shaking for a few minutes. It could have been all over in Cleveland before I even had a chance to give my speech. The picture above could have been the last one ever taken of me. But no, God was watching out for me. I took some deep breaths and went back to the conference.

This was not like writers’ conferences, where everybody is trying to get published. There, it’s all about what we do. But here, it was about who we are and how we live. I made about a hundred new friends as we sat around sharing how we happened to not have children. We came from as far as New Zealand and as near as Cleveland. I shared my session on aging without children with Gisele from Montreal. I met the fabulous Jody Day from the UK. Our accents varied, but we had this giant thing in common: we were all “NotMoms.”

God, how we talked. We discussed our families, our periods, our friends who are obsessed with their kids and grandkids, the stupid things people say to us, and so many other topics that we don’t usually feel we can talk about with other people. All the workshops were really discussions, with the women in the audience offering as much as the women up front.

We got drunk. We wore our pajamas to watch a documentary film called “To Kid or Not to Kid.” We ran around with giant bingo cards looking for women with various qualities to fill in the squares. I was the NotMom who played an instrument. Our keynote speakers taught us and inspired us. They made us laugh, and they made us cry. We talked about the hard stuff, the tragic stories of trying and failing to get pregnant or trying to get people to understand why some of us never wanted children. We asked each other whether having stepchildren means we’re not childless/childfree. It’s not the same as having our own, we agreed.

We gave standing ovations to Karen Malone Wright, founder of the NotMom organization, and her assistant Laura LaVoie, who made the conference happen. It was top-notch all the way. We pledged to come back next time and stay in touch in-between.

I also happily signed copies of my Childless by Marriage book and met readers I previously only knew online.

The hardest part was saying goodbye and walking out with our suitcases at the end. But I was blessed to spend the first leg of my trip home with Audrey from Olympia, Washington. We had met at dinner the first night, and now we discovered we were seated next to each other on the plane from Cleveland to Houston. I am so happy to have her as a new friend, along with so many others.

From Houston, I was finally on my own for the four-hour flight to Portland. That was a long one, with a lot of turbulence and a crying baby. But back in Portland, there were Ron and Sandi from Newport, making me see how the circles of my life intersect. I am so blessed.

In a bit of ironic timing, my step-grandson Brandon and his wife Ashley gave birth to a baby boy early this morning. Welcome, Kayden. I wish Fred were here to share the news.

Thank you all for being here.